Light Prevails through our Battles

God has been prompting me to share the following blog post series to highlight how the toxic cycle of my hateful treatment of my husband resulted in him turning it around and mistreating me.

To reveal how our immature, ignorant, and carnal hearts led us astray from God’s purposes for our lives, but most importantly, how starting to allow God to speak to our hearts in those moments brought His perspective, as well as clarity to see and understand each other’s positions.

I pray the in-depth look at this vulnerable piece of our marriage helps you to see that although you may have been hurt or you have hurt someone you love, God loves you no matter what, and it’s imperative that you allow Him to open your eyes to pains and hurts that could be preventing growth in your relationship.

This is our story.

Hateful Words

My son was angry because my husband was deployed (again), and he was raging at me. So, I sought comfort and help from my best friend, my husband, the leader of our family, only to hear the words that every wife never wants to hear, “Well I know what it’s like to live with someone like you”.

The words hit me like nothing I could ever imagine. “What an ugly thing to say to someone”, I thought to myself, “If this is his response to me something is really wrong between us”.

Painful Withdraw

After the rejection of emotional support from my husband I began to withdraw, not talking to him for a good week or two. I played those same words over and over in my head. It seemed like I couldn’t outrun my own thoughts.

I had come to expect the ugly response my husband gave me. I knew something was different, wrong, worse. However, I could never put my finger on what changed in our relationship.

After I scrutinized the painful words my husband spoke to me I reached out in an effort to reconcile. But it was too late. The hateful things I’d said and done over the years had come back at me.

Wrong Reactions

My human reaction was to FREAK OUT and blame everything on him. “I’m right in this”, I told myself. “I don’t owe him anything; I’ve already asked for God’s forgiveness for the all the pain I caused in our marriage”. I still believed it was about ME.

The further away he pushed me the more I clawed to be close to him, and the worse the situation got. As a result, we spent the next month not talking. This is not the first time someone avoided me because they hated me, but this was much more devastating. This was my own husband.

He was spinning out of control, deciding that the best course of action was to leave me, all while I was stressing out with yet another deployment were I was being forced to raise our four children alone.  Inside I screamed, “WHAT DO I DO!?”.

Little Help

I reached out for help from the leadership in our church, because by this time in our marriage we were growing in the Lord, and serving as leaders in our local church together. I thought for sure my leaders would be there to talk to him.

Surprisingly, that didn’t get me anywhere. Without giving out too many details, some answers were, “I don’t think I can do that”, or “Well I made sure my expectations were clear before I got married”. A little sarcastically I thought, “I’m glad you told me that, but how does that help MY marriage?”.

The most well-meaning, but useless advice I received was, “You need to pray”. I laughed then and even now thinking about that specific comment. “Do you really think or believe I haven’t been praying about it?”, I nearly shrieked.

At this point I was losing my mind about who to turn to for Godly advice. Eventually very few people, to include my kids, walked with me through the hardest time of my life.

Open Eyes

In desperation I went back to God. “Where are you?”, I cried out, “What do you want me to do?”. God’s response was to seek forgiveness and prepare for battle. I thought, “Crap, forgiveness for what?”.

Then it dawned on me. It seems like yesterday as I write this, but it had been years since God revealed another piece of the ugly side of me. This one was HATE.

It didn’t hit me at first, but my freak out response to my husband’s hateful words was full of selfishness, which tormented and hurt him.The Hate Cycle.

My eyes were opened to the fact that I was still guilty in our marriage. I hadn’t considered that God forgave me, but my husband might not have. As I focused on growth and maturity in myself I’d forgotten about the state of hurt I left him in.

I was hateful toward my husband so many times, and it could take years to undo the damage I caused. I didn’t want to, but I had to ask myself, “Was it wrong that he felt this hate towards me?”.

Fighting Solo

I finally understood what I was fighting for, but I still had a problem. What kind of battle do you go into knowing that you really only have a hand full of people for support?

Inside I shouted, “During war there are usually hundreds of warriors beside, behind, and some that even go before you. But I have very few people, to include my kids, who are walking with me through the hardest time of my life”.

It was clear that God was now calling attention to this remnant of our past in my marriage that was never taken care of, but what in the HELL was I going to do!?.

To be continued…..

Vision is painting a portrait of what does not yet exist, so you can make things happen to give existence to the vision.

Vision, to me, is an unknown piece of myself,  not yet discovered. As I am continuously refined by the Lord from who I was to who He has called me to be,  vision causes my perspectives of myself to change. The combined experiential elements of God who created me, people in my past, present, and future, and finally, the physical world around me affect the vision for where I am going. I can either choose to seek my self-vision of who and where I think I should be in my life right now, or I can choose to seek my God for His vision for me.

The Bible lays it out pretty clearly in James 3:14-16 HCSB,

“But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil.”

Reject Self-Visions

I can simply take a look at my own heart to see that this scripture is true. At times I unintentionally delayed the plans God had for me, giving excuses for not speaking truth, or serving. I hindered those opportunities, which would have produced spiritual fruit in my life.

In growing with the Lord sometimes I have reflected self-glory, made God unnoticed in my circumstances. It allowed unrecognizable negative influences to detour me in where I invested my time, what I put my energy into, and my preparation. These subtle influences redirected me more and more towards my own selfish vision.

Receive God’s Vision

However, when I put God first (not a To-do checklist with Him on top , but a burning desire to seek Him before anything or anyone else), then He determines the overall direction to where I am heading.

When I’m following God’s vision my energy is appropriately measured for the people and the environments  He wants me to engage with. He will cause everything else to fall away to my left and to my right, whether only for a time or for good. This is where God’s vision takes shape upon my life.

My Vision Word

So, for 2019, I have decided to establish a new vision goal for my life. I analyzed and identified what that would look like. I decided to pray about what vision word God wanted me to focus on this year, and He gave me the word “Re-fire.”

2019 #Re-fire: To re-fire is to reignite a fire within you, to fan the flame back to life!

I love the Lord’s mighty declaration in Jeremiah 23:29–30 HCSB,

“Is not My Word like fire, and like a hammer that pulverizes rock?

My plan this year is to refire my heart for living and speaking God’s truth. During the year, I plan to reach out to other women around the world, empowering them for Living Significantly. Living Significantly means you know who you are in God, you speak boldly and we begin unite as one in sharing God’s story through our own personal testimony. WE are not in it for ourselves, but see how every single women beside us plays a vital role in the Heavenly Realm.

In my blog, I have created categories for women who have gifts in various forms;  photography, poetry, leadership, teaching, travel and so much more. I would like to invite you to join me in Living Significantly in your God giving gifts, so other women can have Hope restored in their lives and our next generations knows to turn to God.

Receive God’s Vision for Your 2019:

We all prepare in different ways. Identify what works best for you to create a plan and who you can trust for accountability to stick with it. The aspect of Christ that you want to reflect to must be a visual of where you are going in your environment, actions and words.

Make note of where you are at in your heart with God, seek Him on it openly, and ask, “What “Vision Word” does God have for my 2019?”. Remember:

  • Tie your vision to your Faith and Holy Spirit
  • Vision comes to the spiritually alert
  • Pay attention to specific words or themes that keep repeating from different areas
  • Stronger and clearer vision requires two-way communication with God
  • You will need patience and flexibility to realize your vision
  • A new aspect of your identity in Christ is birthed from pursuing His vision for you
  • Write the vision down!

Benefits of Pursuing God’s Vision

List

  1. You will have a future commitment to obeying God’s call.
  2. Vision gives purpose to your actions.
  3. You will sacrifice to make it happen, which sharpens you spiritually.
  4. You get energized from knowing God’s dreams for you.
  5. Moving towards a dream goal gives you happiness.

References:The Holy Bible: Holman Christian standard version. (2009). (Je 23:29–30), (Ja 3:14-16). Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.

Knights-N-Sword

The ultimate thing women are drawn to, whether we admit it or not, is a man who is: strong, protects and guards what he values. He knows who he is and does nothing but speak life into existence. He takes pride in his work, his family, and his wife. He places not only wise people around him, but also other men who look similar to the example to which he lives by.

Continue reading “Knights-N-Sword”